I haven’t posted in a long time. Ever since my mom was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year, I have avoided the blog. I have decided that I really need to pick right back up. If you look around, you’ll notice some changes to the blog (and more to come) I am embarking on some fun adventures these days. But that will be another post, announcement pending.
Tonight’s post is going to be one that I have been dreading to post, the very reason I haven’t posted in so long. As a matter of fact it is hard for me to even form the words needed for this post. The things bouncing around in my head aren’t exactly easy to articulate, they’re more like feelings, so bare with me…
This year has been the worst year of my entire life, bar none. From my mom’s cancer, to my own mysterious health problems, other family emergencies, and every day there is seemingly something else. From an outsiders perspective it probably doesn’t look that bad. In fact I have accomplished a lot of great things this year, and from what people tell me I seem to be holding together very well! I get complimented all the time about how “strong” I am. I continue to push that on. I try not to complain often (hens the absence of posts), and when people ask me how I am doing I almost always answer with a “good” or “I’m doing alright!” But the truth is, I am not doing alright.
I have battled with diagnosed clinical depression and anxiety for the last decade. No one would really know it these days, because with the help of the Lord and great support of friends and doctors I considered myself to have overcome my depression, for at least the last 3-4 years. What does that mean exactly? Well, to put it simply I suppose I would say that for the last 3-4 years I have been able to live my life without the feeling of a thousand pound weight sitting on my chest.
I started feeling my depression sneaking back in a few months ago. It feels like you’re treading in deep dark waters, struggling to keep your head above the water while everyone just watches you drown… Believe me I have tried so hard to pray it away, unfortunately all that has seemed to accomplish is making me question if my faith is strong enough, because the dark and empty won’t stop. I haven’t said anything to anyone. I feel like as an outspoken Christian woman, I am supposed to set an example or something. People come to me for prayer, and what if they know that I struggle? I sit and minister to women weekly and what if they know that I can’t even help myself? How can they trust me? Am I a fraud? If people know, they’ll look at me differently… These are some of the thoughts that attack me, and hold me back from reaching out, from seeking help.
The truth is I know that I am not alone. I can’t be. Especially in the Christian community, I think a lot of us feel this way. Scared to talk about things, but we NEED to talk! Jesus said, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) Obviously Jesus is telling us to speak up when we are in need, so why wouldn’t we? Why shouldn’t I? I firmly believe that these thoughts that we can’t reach out for help in fear of judgment (or any other reason) are a tactic of the enemy. It is his intention to get us isolated, if we believe we are alone then we are easier for him to devour. Just like any predator will go after the straggler of a herd, the loner, the one that falls behind. Think animal kingdom, anytime you see a lion sink it’s teeth into a gazelle it’s always the one that the lion was able to isolate from the herd. Did you know that a single herd of gazelles can have up to 700 members in it? Still the lion will attack even when it is outnumbered. Think about that for a moment. No matter how big your church is, no matter how strong your faith is, if the enemy can isolate you, he will attack! No one is exempt from this.
So as my counter attack on the enemy, I am speaking out! I am not alone. I know there are others out there wanting to do the same, and I am here to tell you that you are not alone either. Despite what you think, people care… I care. God cares! I like to always think that God has a purpose for my pain. I don’t believe that He causes my pain, but I do believe that He won’t waste my suffering. If God can use my struggle to minister to someone I always allow myself to be used by the Lord. Maybe this post is His way of doing that, I dunno. But, what I do know is that I am suffering right now, and if you are too don’t be afraid to ask for help! I have overcome this before, and because of that I know that what God does one time, He will do it again.
One last thought before I go off to bed. If you know someone who struggles with depression, just be there for them. The other day I had a complete melt down. I mean, ugly crying okay. I was in that isolation and having terrible thoughts. I called my cousin in Hawaii (even though it was like 5 in the morning for her) and she stayed on the phone with me for nearly 4 hours (on and off). She isn’t a therapist or anything, she didn’t have magic words to make it all go away, but just by being on the phone with me, listening to me, and encouraging me, she really helped me off of a cliff that day. You don’t have to understand, you don’t even have to fix it, just be there.
Love you all,